The Abvocate

Published: 5 April 2016

(This column is a rage/satire piece intended for entertainment purposes and not to be taken seriously or with offense. Written through the perspective of an alter-ego for an online content provider, it does not reflect the views of Vicious Labs, or any associated brands or persons.)

What in tarnation is an abvocate you ask? This is a term I have coined out of frustration to label the lackadaisical who ignorantly trudge along in their pursuit of weight loss. Yes, the casual sedentary enthusiast who enters the gym with this false belief that their inactive presence in a fitness environment will somehow exonerate them from any actual exercise or dietary self-discipline. The typical American diet is deplorable to the extent that not even DNP could counter their fat accumulation before the person’s organs combust into a burning smorgasbord of high fructose corn syrup and a backlog of red meat. It seems the only thing stronger than Brian Shaw is the sweet addictive allure of synthetically altered sugar derivatives.

I’m sure the minuscule amount of people who read this will wonder, “what the hell do you care if they’re wasting their time?” It is true that I, in fact, shouldn’t give two thoughts and a shake for their lack of output. I am, however, very much concerned about the quality of training. After a fifty minute back blast and a quick arm pump for my stable of glute sloots , I like to hop on one of those lazy ab crunch machines. To my hormone infused dismay, it is nine out of ten times occupied by a sedentary life form. As someone who prides himself on workout intensity, this is far from the best case scenario; I refuse to disappoint our swole savior, Rich Piana.

In true 5% fashion, I strategically place myself on the vertical rope-pull device located immediately behind it. Under the guise of maintaining productivity, I coyly stalk my prey in non-intimidating fashion. Even though I may be having an internal monologue of verbal assaults, I am aware that, in most cases, they have no idea what they’re doing or how most the equipment operates. In this sense, it is the responsibility of the gym’s staff to assist patrons before a sixty-something year old woman blows her knees out on the leg press. Unfortunately, this goes against the price-gouging policies of commercial chains. More unfortunate is that I am also unable to bring forth awareness as I am presently occupied jotting these very thoughts down. I have a deadline to meet and I cannot afford the consequence of Matt emailing me more pictures of his Meinrod.